Triggers
by KitKatt0430
Summary: Barry had thought he was fine when he woke up from his coma. Just a few extra powers, nothing to stop him from going right back to work and getting on with his life. Except... it's not really so easy to bounce back from trauma and the first thunderstorm after Barry wakes up reminds him of this quite firmly.


Summary: Barry had thought he was fine when he woke up from his coma. Just a few extra powers, nothing to stop him from going right back to work and getting on with his life. Except... it's not really so easy to bounce back from trauma and the first thunderstorm after Barry wakes up reminds him of this quite firmly.

Notes: For my DC TV Gen Bingo Card prompt 03 - Barry Allen

_**Triggers**_

Barry walks into his lab for the first time after waking from his coma and… he's not sure what he expects. The last time he was in there, he was struck by lightning and lost nine months of his life.

None of it feels real yet and Barry doesn't remember being struck by the lightning, so he walks in and… nothing. Its a little dustier than he remembers and some of his work materials need replacing, but Barry feels fine.

But a week or so later there's a thunderstorm in the middle of the night that wakes up Barry with his heart racing, pounding in his ears, and he watches with wide, frightened eyes as lightning arcs ever so slowly across the sky while rain falls in slow motion and thunder cracks overhead, a loud rolling noise that feels like its reverberating in Barry's bones and will never, ever end…

And he does not sleep for the rest of that night.

The next morning, Barry walks up to the door of his lab, still on edge from the storm that woke up him at three, and nearly throws up at the thought of stepping foot into his lab.

He stands there awkwardly in the hallway, staring up through the doorway at the skylight.

They replaced the skylight with a new one while Barry was in his coma, sealing the roof better so it no longer leaks the way the old one did. The new one doesn't open at all, so there's no chain hanging down anymore either.

Barry doesn't remember being struck by the lightning. But he remembers staring out the window as the eerily lit STAR Labs seemed to explode in the distance, energy arcing the sky and rising up off the distant building join the clouds above. A loud noise that could've been a distant explosion or the rumble of thunder…

He doesn't know if he used his speed or not to make it to the bathroom in time to heave into a toilet. He just know one moment he was standing awkwardly in the hall and the next he's bent over in a bathroom stall, losing his breakfast.

Someone rubs Barry's shoulders as the heaving ends and he's sitting there, shivering on the floor. "Here, drink this," that someone says, and it's Captain Singh's voice.

Barry takes the offered water bottle, feeling embarrassment welling up in his chest. But he does as bid, rinsing his mouth out and spitting into the toilet one last time before flushing the mess away. And then he drinks a little of the water. It settles in his stomach alright, so he takes another sip or two. Then he lets Singh help him to his feet and out of the stall.

"Thanks," Barry rasps, avoiding the Captain's eyes.

"Not coming down with anything, I hope," Singh asks quietly, non-judgmentally. "Or is it last night's storm that triggered this?"

"The storm," Barry admitted. Everything feels a little disjointed now. "I remembered something… from that night and I just..." freaked out.

"You went through a very traumatic experience, Barry. It's alright if you're not okay yet."

"I know you said I could have more time off, but I feel like if I go home I'll go crazy doing nothing," Barry said quickly, to head off the offer he knew was coming. He'd already put his finances more or less back in order. Because STAR Labs had covered the majority of his medical bills, there hadn't been much for Barry to deal with. Reactivating his netflix account, going over his bank account… Joe had made sure Barry's bills were paid, Iris had kept Barry's apartment in order, tossing out the food in his fridge and keeping the dust from layering up too badly.

If he wasn't here, he'd wind up at STAR Labs instead and, friendly though Cisco and Caitlin were, Barry didn't really feel comfortable there yet. It was like some sort of twisted wish-fulfillment where he could go anywhere in the building he wanted, but it was nearly empty. He could ask Dr. Wells any question he thought of, but his science hero was now the community pariah. And then there were his new powers that he barely understood, but the price for which had been becoming a victim of the accelerator that had captivated his imagination for years.

So, no, Barry didn't want to spend more time at STAR Labs than he had to just yet.

"Alright," Singh was saying and Barry had to force himself back to the present, to pay attention to what was happening in the here and now. "Do you think you'd be alright to go into your lab with someone in there with you? Otherwise you can set up in my office and stick to paperwork today. Certainly you have more than enough of that to keep you busy for eight hours."

The idea of going into his lab is just… no.

Barry swallows nervously and can't quite look at Captain Singh as he says, "I'd like to work in your office, if that's alright?"

Singh just nods and helps Barry stand up. They leave the bathroom together and Barry loiters by the stairs while the Captain retrieves Barry's laptop and a stack of paperwork from the lab, all of which he hands over to Barry before leading the way down. Thankfully Joe's not there yet when Barry walks through the bullpen to reach the Captain's office and Barry doesn't have to explain what just happened.

He sets up sitting beneath the big window in Singh's office, laptop turned just enough that it doesn't catch the glare from outside while Barry can still easily see out and not feel so… claustrophobic. And then he falls into a routine. He finishes signing off on transfer of custody paperwork he'd begun the night before regarding evidence in a case gone cold; the evidence still needed to be boxed up and the paperwork attached to the lid before it got shipped down to storage, but he'd done everything but tape up the box the night before… and finish the paperwork, of course.

One item down, more to go. Some of Barry's paperwork has to do with his medical leave – unpaid medical leave which hadn't made his bank account happy over the last nine months – and he trudges through that, some of which has to go right into the Captain's in box, while the rest of it has to be mailed to the correct office at city hall or his health insurance company.

From there he moves on to reading reports on evidence in his lab collected by other CSIs. Barry's supposed to take over the evidence for several cases that Jack Evans is currently working when the guy leaves the following week. He's moving across country and his replacement won't start for three weeks. For now all he has to do is make sure he's up to date on the cases. The evidence will be transferred into his custody on Friday. He might have to rerun a few tests in anticipation of having to testify about the evidence at trial…

"Lunch time, Allen," Singh announces. "Come on, I already texted Rob so he knows you'll be joining us."

"I don't want to intrude," Barry protests. It's a token protest at best, though. He doesn't want to be alone today and he doesn't want to deal with Joe's concern.

Singh gives Barry a sharp look, but then his expression softens. "You won't be intruding," he insists.

So Barry heads out to lunch with the Captain.

* * *

"So how are you feeling about all this? I mean, it must have been pretty confusing to wake up and realize nine months had passed," Rob asks once they've been seated at the cafe.

Singh swats his fiance on the arm with his menu. "Manners, Rob," he mutters.

"Sorry, no, that was rude," Rob sighs. "I'm a therapist and I don't turn it off well at lunch time, I'm afraid. David's always having to put up with me analyzing how his day is going."

"It's… it's fine, really. I don't mind that you asked," Barry says and then… realizes he means it. No one's really asked him how he feels about everything emotionally yet. They just sort of expected him to… hop right back to it. Even he'd been expecting that. But every little thing that was different was like a slap in the face or a punch to the gut.

Even it being the end of summer instead of the middle of winter was just…

"It is confusing," Barry admitted quietly. "I keep forgetting what year it is or that I'm twenty-five now instead of twenty-four or..." or that he didn't have plants in his apartment to water anymore. They were all dead. His chest ached and he shrugged. "I'll get used to how things are now eventually, though."

Rob nodded, though the look on his face said he was analyzing what Barry didn't say as much as what he did say.

Hiding behind his menu, Barry looked over his sandwich choices. He was torn between the reuben and the turkey stack by the time the waitress came back to take their orders. So he mentally flipped a coin and went for the turkey stack.

The conversation somehow ended up turned back to Barry and how he was coping with stress the last week and how things had changed.

"Honestly, its one of those 'the more things change, the more they stay the same' situations," Barry grumbled. "Iris is dating… someone," he grimaced, not wanting to put Eddie on the spot at the very least. He deserved better than to suffer at work for Iris and Joe's lack of communication skills. "And of course its this whole production to keep Joe from finding out who it is. Again. And I was barely awake for twenty-four hours before she was putting me back in the middle of this drama…"

"Joe's over protective, I take it?" Rob asked, glancing at Singh.

The Captain nodded. "Yes. Very," he confirmed.

Iris would say controlling, not over protective. Barry thinks its more of a little from column A and a little from column B.

"Should I be worried about having to assign Joe and Eddie new partners?" the Captain asked, tone dry.

"Uh..." Barry floundered, but of course the Captain already knew. "Maybe? Depends on whether Joe knows already or not. If he does know, then he's just waiting to mess with Iris and he might torment Eddie a little at first, but… he'll be fine. If Joe doesn't know yet, then it's anyone's guess how he'll take the news."

"I'll keep their options open just in case, then." He paused a beat, then asked, "how was your father when you went to see him?"

"He was glad to see me awake," Barry responded, hesitant. Joe flat out hated Barry visiting Henry. Wouldn't talk about Barry's regular visits to Iron Heights. He hadn't even visited to let Henry know that Barry had been in a coma. Iris had to do that. And Captain Singh too, according to Henry.

"Didn't even realize he was your Captain until one of the Santini's men was asking me why I was talking to a Police Captain," Henry had told Barry. "They know you're a CSI, though, so when I said he'd come to inform me that you… you were in a coma… I got left alone."

"Thank you, sir, for letting him know about..." Barry trailed off uncomfortably.

"He deserved to know," Singh replied, voice sympathetic. He probably believed, like everyone else, that Henry was guilty of Nora's murder. Barry'd never asked – didn't want to hear the answer. But… it was very kind of the Captain to treat Barry's father the way he would anyone else's next of kin by personally informing him of Barry's hospitalization.

Most people wouldn't. Joe wouldn't… and maybe Barry resented him a little for it. That even with Barry in a coma, Joe couldn't just once try to…

The spark of anger in Barry's chest hurt and he had to look down.

Barry's halfway through his sandwich before he realizes that Captain Singh probably wanted Rob to batter Barry with questions about how he's handling the aftermath of his coma. As a CSI, Barry doesn't have to attend mandatory therapy after a traumatic event unless he's involved in a shooting somehow – not likely since even though Barry's certified he never actually carries a gun.

(He's going to have to renew that certification soon. Dammit, he feels like he just did that a few months ago.)

Anyway, Singh was clearly worried about Barry after that morning's flashback sent Barry racing for the bathroom stalls and while Rob's questions could certainly give him a general sense of Barry's state of mind… he was probably hoping to prod Barry into getting some therapy anyway.

Mission accomplished. Barry hadn't realized until just now… but he needed to talk about all the changes in his life – the non Flash related changes anyway – and help him deal with his sudden crippling fear of his own lab.

Barry really had no idea how he was going to deal with working in there the next day and that… kind of scared him.

When he got back to the precinct with Captain Singh after lunch, Barry quietly began filling out a request form for a referral to a precinct approved therapist. When he slid that into the Captain's in box, he received a quietly proud look in response.

* * *

The next morning found Barry standing awkwardly in front of his lab again. Laptop tucked under one arm, finished paperwork from the day before tucked under the other… and he just could not step inside.

Barry didn't think he was going to be sick again, thankfully, but the idea of going in there alone, just… he wasn't sure if he was shaking like a normal person or vibrating like a… whatever he was now.

"Hey, Barry," Eddie greeted him cheerfully. "The Captain asked me to keep you company today. Everything okay?"

"Uh, yes? Er… not really." Barry glanced at his lab and then sighed. "The storm we had the other night kind of jarred some memories loose about… about the night I was struck by lighting. And now I can't seem to actually make myself go into my own lab." He tried to make his voice sound light and joking. What came out was choked and embarrassed instead.

Eddie's expression turned sympathetic. "I don't suppose there's somewhere else your lab could be set up?"

Barry shook his head. "Nope. If I don't use that room, then I'll have to join the offsite CSIs and let someone else be the onsite CSI. Which I don't want to do because I like being onsite." Barry smiled wanly. "Right. I can do this." And he didn't move an inch.

"Would it help if I went in first?"

"Maybe."

Eddie walked into the lab. Nothing terrible happened to him.

Steeling himself, Barry stepped forward. And then again. And again. Until he was inside the lab at his desk, setting down his laptop and paperwork and most definitely not hyperventilating. Not hyperventilating yet anyway. The day was still young.

* * *

Eddie couldn't stay with Barry, protecting him from his own hangups, every day. Which was unfortunate. It meant that on Friday Barry was left standing in front of his lab with no one in there to act as a buffer for him.

Swallowing hard, Barry walked into the lab. He avoided walking beneath the skylight, going out of his way to do so. But he made it through the day, and the evidence transfers, without panicking about his surroundings overly much. He had to put the blinds down so he couldn't see STAR Labs, but otherwise… he made it through the day and that was what counted.

And he had his therapy referral approved; his first appointment in two weeks.

(He didn't get the year wrong once during the evidence transfer. Barry'd felt rather proud of himself for it afterwards.)

* * *

Barry's in the middle of a discussion with Dr. Wells about using his abilities as the Flash to help people – Wells is only sort of on board, but in a condescending way that Barry pretends doesn't grate on his nerves something awful – when his phone alarm goes off.

"Ah, shoot," Barry zipped over to where he'd left his phone, shutting off the alarm and sliding it into a pocket. "I'm sorry, Dr. Wells, I lost track of time. I've gotta go now or I'll be late."

"Late for what, Mr. Allen?" Wells demanded, confused.

"Therapy appointment," Barry responded, running off and leaving a trail of wind and lightning at his heels.

He missed the confused, somewhat unhappy sound of Dr. Wells asking an empty room, "therapy for what?"

* * *

This isn't the first time Barry's been in therapy. He was forced to attend therapy on and off after his mother died. Child Protective Services demanded it as a stipulation for letting Joe take Barry instead of a second cousin off in Cincinnati. Not that the cousin would've gotten Barry therapy either, but Barry's issues with CPS were not the point here.

His issues with therapy were. His first therapist attempted to have Barry diagnosed with a personality disorder. Which the psychiatrist Barry was sent to immediately bitched the therapist out over because the diagnosis wasn't just wrong, it was lazy. Apparently Barry was the fifth kid in a row this guy had tried to drug to shut up – fifth that was known at the time, the malpractice suit against the guy later on that year dug up quite a few more – and Barry got a new therapist after that.

Nice guy, didn't try to recommend Barry take medication for problems he didn't have… but he didn't believe Barry's story about the man in the lightning either.

At least he helped Barry learn how to cope with the bullies at school and helped Barry finally explain to Joe – and to Henry – that visiting Henry once a month was good for Barry's mental health. (Joe had not liked that at all. But he'd started driving Barry up once a month anyway and Barry, lo-and-behold, stopped running away to visit his dad all the time. Stopped lying to Joe, mostly, too. Iris was frustrated by his sudden one-eighty from problem child to good child, though. Because she was starting to sneak out at night to meet friends and Joe was a lot more likely to notice her missing if Barry was there all the time now.)

So Barry was a little uncertain as he walked into Dr. Sheila Lake's office. He was hoping for someone more like Dr. Jason Frewer (helpful but should be kept away from discussions about his father) and less like Dr. Neil Garret (Dr. Malpractice, as Joe referred to the guy). Maybe a little like Rob in personality, though, because that guy seemed rather bubbly and kind and his questions had felt oddly easy to answer.

He can't talk to her about the Flash stuff. But he's got plenty of other things he can discuss with her. Learning how to deal with thunderstorms and his lab are the most obvious things, of course. And he feels like maybe he should start working out some of his pent up resentment towards Joe. Other things too, like Iris and Eddie...

"Come on in, Mr. Allen," Dr. Lake greets Barry pleasantly. "You're right on time."

* * *

Notes: You know Barry's taking something seriously when he's on time for it. :)


End file.
